grace in place

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
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this is forty two. in the past year, i told my husband i wanted a divorce. within two weeks of the conversation i hired a lawyer, began the process of filing for divorce, split up our things, packed up in a uhaul, sold my car, and made the long drive back home to north carolina. i found the perfect place in wilmington, where i worked on finding myself again. i stayed for almost a year, and have since moved to downtown raleigh; closer to family & friends. right where i need (and want) to be.

this past year has been about repairing myself, therapy for my mental & emotional needs, the gym for my physical needs, and leaning into god for my spiritual needs. i was on antidepressants for a season, and am grateful to have progressed to a place where i no longer need them. a year later, i am happy & healthy. not only on the inside, but on the outside. and i am so thankful to have come through on the other side, having learned a wealth of lessons on how to put myself first and fight like hell for my happiness and well being. all that to say, here’s to forty two — i look forward to what the future brings.

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this was our spot. the place we always came for our marg + rita nights. the place i’d point chips at you when trying to get the point across during a story. the place you coined the phrase: don’t you point that chip at me! the place we ordered the biggest frozen margaritas, and never left without finishing at least one. the place of countless conversations about our kids, our dating lives, and everything in between. as i look around i see us sitting at so many of these booths, and i wish we could’ve had just one more of those nights together.

i came here immediately after your service today, it felt like the best place to be. and wouldnt you know, you got the last laugh: i ordered a traditional frozen margarita like we always get, and the lady told me she was out of that flavor. got me!

as i sit here waiting for the family to finish greeting all who attended your service, i look forward to spending some time reminiscing the memory of you. i just now remember how you’d always make me take our leftovers home, and how today i have no choice but to take them without a fight - with a box missing. it’s yours.

i will forever miss your laugh, your incredibly big heart, your constant encouragement, your nonstop picking on me about my imaginary hubby, your giving spirit. but most of all, i’ll miss one of the sweetest friendships i’ve had the honor of experiencing.

i know you’re at peace, and that gives me peace. rest easy, sgt.

mexi + rita:

the end of an era

i don’t know where to start, but when things happen in life [good or bad] i feel the need to write.

i received a message yesterday from the daughter of one of my dearest friends, telling me he had passed away the night before. i was at work when i read those words, and i just froze, not believing what i had just read. how could this be?

my friend. my guardian angel, who i had met fifteen years earlier when he was on duty with the sheriff’s department. i feared the guy i was dating was going to physically harm me in a drunken argument while leaving a hockey game, so i ran over to his car asking for help. after a long conversation, he said i’d be back with the guy the next day, and i took that as a challenge not to. he kept me accountable from then on, and so began our friendship.

we both loved mexican food + margaritas, hence the nickname for each other: mexi + rita. we were famous for closing down our favorite spot, the staff knew when we came in we would be there until they turned the lights off. we’d then sit in his car talking until well after bedtime. never at a loss of things to talk about, never crossing the line from friendship to romantic; except the one night early on when we drank too many margaritas, shared a kiss, and quickly realized friends were what we’d be.

he delivered a fresh cut christmas tree from his tree farm for us each christmas, played the role of santa claus during the years when i couldn’t financially be santa myself, brought my favorite dunkin’ donut holes from time to time just because he knew they were my favorite. he made sure we brought our boys to the state fair each year, letting them ride all the rides they wanted and eating all the fair food they could fit into their bellies. he made arrangements to take me to my first [and only] carolina panthers game, where we drank + cried our sorrows of their terrible playoff loss away. we never lacked for anything when he was around; material or otherwise.

he loved his family, he loved his friends - and he protected all of us fiercely. he loved the beach, he loved going on scuba adventures around the world. he lived life to the fullest, and always looked for ways to help others.

we tried to get together while i was home for thanksgiving + christmas, but had complications after his emergency intestinal surgery so we weren’t able to meet up. our last texts were back in janurary, where i sent a photo timehop reminded me of from the panthers game ten years previous.

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his response: that picture is sooooooo us!

it was the last text i’d ever receive from him, and how fitting it was.

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eighteen.

there’s not much more i can say about this kid that i haven’t already, but this year is the big one. he has a few more months of high school, but after that he’s free to spread his wings + fly.

i can’t help but think back to where i was in life at his age. i’d just moved out + started dating his dad. i’d be pregnant in the near future, scared silly of breaking the news to my family. eighteen + pregnant; great. i’d soon put his dad through rehab, decide i couldn’t be with him anymore, get talked into getting back together before giving birth. i’d live a miserable 11 months before deciding i didn’t want rhyan growing up in a home where our unhappiness was normal. shortly after turning nineteen, i’d end things permanently + navigate life as a single mom.

looking back, i shake my head at how young i was. how fully i loved, with no life experience to pull me in any specific direction. the past 17 years of motherhood have been nothing short of a miracle, a journey that would shape the two of us into who we are today.

i am forever grateful god gave me rhyan. watching him blossom over the years, especially this last one, has been an absolute joy. he is the biggest + best part of my life, and i am honored to wish him the happiest of birthdays on his eighteenth.

rhyan my boy eighteen years old
two thousand eighteen: the year i spent very little time sharing stories + happenings in my life, so i felt a recap was needed to record what went on in my life this year. january + february were pretty uneventful: managing at the postcard inn + a...

two thousand eighteen:

the year i spent very little time sharing stories + happenings in my life, so i felt a recap was needed to record what went on in my life this year.

january + february were pretty uneventful: managing at the postcard inn + a quick trip home to see everyone. i knew i wanted to leave my job, so i began looking for something different.

march brought a yankees baseball training game with my girls telia + taryn, st. patty’s day guinness’ around downtown tampa with my friend jen, celebrating my dad’s birthday, and countless gorgeous sunsets on the beach.

rhyan came to visit the beginning of april for easter, we crashed our bicycles coming over the bridge one night, went on a boat ride with d+b. friends from nc visited clearwater, so a day was spent on the beach catching up over tropical drinks. we sent a dear friend off to the coast guard, and celebrated another’s birthday with a good ‘ol cookout at the pool. we had the green thumb festival + rhyan went to his junior prom. i also began a new sales job with a scrubs/uniform company, working from their office in tampa part time + from home.

may began with the most epic sailing day with friends, my best friend meredith came to town for a work trip, i went to a really cool bonsai workshop, and flew back to nc for meredith’s birthday weekend. it was also my little cousin’s birthday, so i was able to see all my extended family while there - which was so nice. i started going to a great church in tampa, got involved with the sea turtle trackers + spotted my first turtle nest early one morning!

june brought my dear friend jason + his boyfriend to town for a few days, which were spent on the beach + showing them around the area. this was the month i really began to plug into my new church, which i had searched almost a year for before finding.

july was my birthday month; we had many outreaches around st. pete spreading the word about our new church location in the area. i celebrated my 37th year with another fun margarita wars event, as well as the best mexican dinner with my florida bestie, taryn.

august was a hot month, where i checked out my first rowdies soccer game with the church crew + rhyan came to visit for ten days before starting his senior year. we had such a great time together, he took the car/bike/skateboard all over the place exploring. we went up to weeki wachi springs one afternoon, always a treat.

we launched our st. pete church location in september, which was a huge success! september also brought us red tide, killing millions of marine life. the stench/scenery was unbearable for the following to months.

i flew to boston the first week of october for my good friends cody + heath’s wedding. got to spend time with my pregnant sister emma + her hubby cj, which was much needed. the wedding was beautiful, as were the views around boston. i returned home to hurricane michael threatening our coast + making landfall as a category 4 in the panhandle. quickly started gathering supplies, assembled a team from church, and headed up to the hardest hit areas to help. it was a life changing trip, one that i am so thankful to have been part of. i also picked up a part time serving job at a well known local spot, which was a huge blessing. great atmosphere, awesome crew to work with, and really nice regulars.

november we celebrated bobbi’s birthday, treasure island hosted its annual sanding ovations event on the beach, i flew home to be with rhyan + the family for thanksgiving. we drove up to virginia to continue our tradition of turkey day with my brother sam + his family, which was great. the weather was perfect, there were still pretty leaves on the trees, and i had a mix of family + friend time over the week i was home. my sister emma had their baby the day after thanksgiving, her name is ivy + she is absolute perfection. they eliminated my sales position at the scrubs place, so i covered all the extra shifts i could at my serving job to stay afloat.

and here we are at december! we had our work christmas party, which was a blast. i was hired at another local spot, but decided it wasn’t a good fit + am holding out for more shifts in the new year at my current job since i enjoy it so much there. my sister marta + her hubby jt came down for a visit, always nice to spend time with them. we had our church christmas party this week + i head home for another week over christmas. rhyan turns 18 in a week, which seems surreal.

this year has been a challenging one work-wise. i’m stepping away from sales to get things in order to go back to school next year, in the physical therapy assistant program at a local college. i’ll continue working at my current job so i keep a flexible schedule, but am excited to see where it takes me. rhyan graduates this spring, he’s undecided as to what he’ll be doing after that .. so i have a feeling 2019 is going to be an exciting one, filled with big changes that we’ll both embrace fully.
2018 year in review

i don’t post on here nearly enough, but it sure is nice to visit once in awhile: it’s like visiting an old friend. life is just fine in florida, rhyan comes to visit for ten days on thursday + it’ll be so nice to have him here for such a long stretch. looking back on old posts makes me realize what a huge chunk of the past year is missing on my blog + that makes me sad. but it also reminds me life has been happening, exactly as it should be. hoping to get back to this little place soon, make more of an effort … but for now, i leave you with this little video from this evening of what i think heaven must be like.

love from florida